✦ treatment plan ✦

unc
recovery

you don't have to stay cooked.

You took the test. You got the result. Now you fight back. 24 tasks across 4 weeks. Check each off as you go. Saved automatically.

0/24
let's get this started ↓

stabilization

goal: stop the bleeding
Update your profile picture. Taken this year. Good lighting. Not in a car.
Audit your most-used emojis. Retire the crying-laughing one entirely.
Stop ending text messages with periods. They read as anger to anyone under 28.
Throw out the oldest t-shirt you own. Yes, that one. The 2014 5K one.
Mute one Facebook acquaintance who exclusively posts political rants.
Drink one glass of water before your first coffee tomorrow.

vocabulary repair

goal: stop sounding 41
Learn what "aura" means in context. Then never use it. You will overuse it.
Stop saying "the algorithm got me." You sound like a focus group respondent.
Remove "literally" from your vocabulary for 7 days. Notice your sentences improve.
Catch yourself the next time you say "back in my day." Sit with the shame.
Find out what "6-7" means. Or accept that you never will. Either is fine.
Spend 15 minutes scrolling current TikTok. Take notes. Do not engage.

physical rehab

goal: silent landings
Replace the oldest pair of sneakers you own with something current.
Stretch for 5 minutes a day. Yes, even on weekends.
Stop making the noise when you sit down. Practice silent landings.
Get an actual haircut. Not "just clean it up." A real one. This year's haircut.
Wear the shirt in the back of your closet you keep skipping. It still fits.
Walk past a Costco without stopping. Just once. As a test of will.

integration

goal: re-enter society
Take a new photo of yourself. Set it as your profile everywhere.
Send a voice memo instead of a paragraph text. Embrace it.
Find one new song from this year you genuinely like. Add it to a playlist.
Compliment someone under 25 on something specific. Watch them malfunction.
Accept that 2005 was 21 years ago. Sit with it. Move on.
Retake the Unc Test. See if the regimen worked. → take it again

real talk ↓

This is satire. Recovery from being chopped unc is not actually possible — the dust comes for everyone eventually. But checking boxes feels good and that's the whole point. Your progress saves locally in your browser, no account, no signup, no tracking.