⚠ TREATMENT PROTOCOL ACTIVE ⚠

UNC
RECOVERY

a 4-week regimen for the diagnosed

You took the test. You got the result. You don't have to accept it. Twenty-four tasks across four weeks. Check each one as you complete it. Your progress is saved automatically. Recovery is not guaranteed — but it is possible.

// 0 / 24 tasks completed (0%) //

STABILIZATION

// goal: stop the bleeding

Update your profile picture. Taken this year. Good lighting. Not in a car.

Audit your most-used emojis. Retire the crying-laughing one entirely.

Stop ending text messages with periods. They read as anger to anyone under 28.

Throw out the oldest t-shirt you own. Yes, that one. The 2014 5K one.

Mute one Facebook acquaintance who exclusively posts political rants.

Drink one (1) glass of water before your first coffee tomorrow.

VOCABULARY REPAIR

// goal: stop sounding 41

Learn what "aura" means in context. Then never use it. You will overuse it.

Stop saying "the algorithm got me." You sound like a focus group respondent.

Remove "literally" from your vocabulary for 7 days. Notice your sentences improve.

Catch yourself the next time you say "back in my day." Sit with the shame.

Find out what "6-7" means. Or accept that you never will. Either is fine.

Spend 15 minutes scrolling actual current TikTok. Take notes. Do not engage.

PHYSICAL REHABILITATION

// goal: stop noises and posture

Replace the oldest pair of sneakers you own with something current.

Stretch for 5 minutes a day. Yes, even on weekends.

Stop making the noise when you sit down. Practice silent landings.

Get an actual haircut. Not "just clean it up." A real one. This year's haircut.

Wear the shirt that's been in the back of your closet because it "doesn't fit your style anymore." It does.

Walk past a Costco without stopping. Just once. As a test.

FINAL INTEGRATION

// goal: re-enter society

Take a new photo of yourself. Set it as everything. Profile pic everywhere.

Send a voice memo instead of a paragraph text. Embrace it.

Find one new song from this year you genuinely like. Add it to a playlist.

Compliment someone under 25 on something specific. Watch them malfunction.

Accept that 2005 was 21 years ago. Sit with it. Move on.

Retake The Unc Test. See if the regimen worked. → go take it

DISCLAIMER

This is satire. Recovery from being chopped unc is not actually possible. The dust comes for everyone. But checking boxes is therapeutic. Your progress saves automatically in this browser — no account, no signup, no surveillance.